Sunday, September 05, 2004


Bears Could Delay Start of School Year.

Must. . . resist. . . cheap. . . Rex Grossman joke.

Story here.

For once, this odd news ain't happening in Germany; it's Transylvania this time. Yeah, sure, that's a little odd too, but only if you believe in mythical creatures such as vampires, werewolves, or male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with, non-political-agenda lesbians.

Please permit me a personal anecdote about that favorite subject of mine, Amazing Bear Attacks. Back when I was in college, the Fox network was broadcasting one of the earliest episodes of "When Animals Attack." My buddy Polak and I were in his dorm room watching this great stuff with rapt attention. It was like receiving a message from God, only not as violent.

A video clip comes on, and the narrator introduces the clip by saying something skull-numbingly obvious, like, "You better be careful around bears, they could kill you." The clip shows camera feed from some bow hunter/moronic dickwad out solo in the woods, just happily taking video of nature. Suddenly, a big brown bear shows up, and starts slowly moving towards this guy. Rather than turning the camera off and dedicating his full concentration on evading this looming danger, what does he do instead?

He walks backwards while videotaping the bear. For, like, ten minutes.

That's not the best part. Instead of focusing on how best to save his life, instead of escaping from this giant bear, Moronic Dickwad starts yelling at the bear, as if that will make it go away. BTW, pop quiz my friendly readers: what message would *you* communicate to a bear about to kill you?

I'm guessing that "No bear, no!" would be a little low on your list.

Over and over this guy screams that. "No, bear, no. . . no!" Without ever turning off the camera. Hell, without ever turning around. He stumbles a couple of times, stubbornly dedicated to capturing great footage once the bear's gargantuan paw slashes his throat.

Eventually, Moronic Dickwad reaches a lake and starts to back into it, hoping the bear doesn't know how to swim, or at the very least ate lunch less than an hour beforehand. His cunning ruse succeeds as the bear stays put on the bank, growling as our idiot hero continues to videotape, even though by this point the water is nearly above his chest. He survived, to my perpetual annoyance.

Anyways, that video made Polak and I laugh more than anything else that minute. And "No bear, no!" entered a place of honor in our lexicon.

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