Monday, September 06, 2004


Garfield Ridge Exclusive: Michael Moore to Build Time Machine.

Time Machine to Enable Voters in the 2000 Election to See Fahrenheit 9/11 for Themselves.

Earlier today, Michael Moore, director of the smash hit documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, revealed his boldest proposal yet in his quest to ensure that every man, woman, and child in America has the opportunity to see his important film.

"Bush lied, and people died. The voters of the year 2000 need to know that before they step into the voting booth," said Moore over his breakfast of chicken-fried steak. "I know that in this pursuit I'm risking total protonic reversal in the event every atom in the universe simultaneously explodes at the speed of light. But as a wise man once said, you can't make an omelet unless you break a few eggs. Speaking of omelets, are you done eating that?"

Mr. Moore says that while the final engineering details are still being worked out, the time machine will be hurtled back in time once it reaches 88 miles per hour. With Mr. Moore at the controls, a specially-modified Dodge Viper V-10 engine will be used in order to achieve such a great speed.

Scale model of Mr. Moore's time machine.

When pressed for specifics on what he plans to say to the voters of the year 2000, Mr. Moore said that "I plan on talking to them straight, telling them about the corrupt Florida recount, the Neo-Con plan to invade Iraq, the Bush connection to the Saudi royal family, and the truth about Enron."

Asked whether his plans for straight-talking involve warning the America of the Year 2000 about the September 11th terrorist plot, Mr. Moore replied, "Yeah, I guess, if I can find the time. My physicist advises me that my movie may not actually exist unless 9/11 happens, so I'd rather not mess with any paradoxes."

"But really, I expect to be pretty busy exposing George W. Bush's stupidity to the American voters. Are you sure you're not done with that omelet?"

The test drive of Moore's time machine is expected to correspond with the three-year anniversary of the attacks responsible for making Mr. Moore a multi-millionaire.

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