Monday, September 13, 2004


Good Morning, And An Apology.

While I do not think I overreacted the other night to the story that North Korea had possibly conducted a nuclear test-- after a few hours, I was 98% sure it wasn't a nuclear test-- my string of heated posts certainly gave that impression.

For that, I apologize.

In my defense, it's easy to get swept up in the moment when AP reports "Blast, Mushroom Cloud Seen Over North Korea" in the middle of the night. You kinda report first, then work to verify.

My brother called me up last night to tell me "Your credibility's shot, eh?"

Gee, thanks Thom. Losing you is like losing Cronkite.

Readers, Garfield Ridge does not claim to be a source of news, it claims to be a source of ridiculously speculative innuendo and outright falsehoods. For news you can trust, turn to CBS News.

However, given my "Crisis of Credibility," I have decided to claw my way back into the public trust, one completely accurate observation at a time. While this will certainly slow down my postings, it will at least provide you, the readers, with one to grow on.

In light of Garfield Ridge's new policy, let me talk to you today about a subject in which I am a nationally-recognized expert: hardcore pornography.

Don't worry folks, this discussion is purely PG-13, like the movie Dreamscape. Hell, after that sexual assault scene in The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride, it may even be safe to assume this is G-rated.

My 100% completely true observations concerning hardcore pornography:

-- For a cheap laugh, everyone complains about the music in pornos. "Ha ha, isn't it bad?" This proves they haven't seen an X-rated movie since the Reagan Administration. Chica-bow-wow has pretty much disappeared. Today, these things are scored better than Pink Floyd's The Wall.
No, what I complaining about is how adult filmmakers excuse-- in the digital age, no less-- horrendous dubbing and microphone use. I'm sorry, but smothering all sounds of moaning with an all-Casio keyboard version of "The Heat Is On" does nothing for me. Worse yet, when you even dub over real sounds of moaning with canned moaning, you totally lose me. You not only make it looke like Jenna Jameson is moaning in a Godzilla movie, you make it impossible to stay focused when she moans in the voice of Suzanne Pleshette.

Ooh, Dave, make me feel like a woman.

-- The Spice Channel is the worst thing to happen to porn. Sure pals, convince yourselves you're democratizing pornography with your trick editing. I say you're telling only half the story by ignoring any action below the waste involving male genitalia. Yes, you're telling the good half of the story-- but it's like Monday Night Football broadcasting the game only when the 2001 St. Louis Rams' offense takes the field. Sure, it's the only thing worth watching, but you gotta show the defense unit (heh, heh. . . "unit") if you want to enjoy the complete experience.

-- The voyeur thing. I'm sure there is a not-insignificant segment of the adult male population that gets turned on by randomly cutting away from the hot action every thirty-five seconds to linger the camera on some guy watching from the corner. I have never met any of these men, and I'm actually quite pleased about that.

This isn't such a bad thing when they cut away to a woman instead of a man, but somehow adult movies compound their bad camera decisions by always cutting away to a man who looks like Billy Barty.

Hey feller, would ya mind moving a little to yer left?

Anyways, just a few, 100% true observations about a subject I know absolutely everything worth knowing about.

That is, until the North Koreans actually *do* pop off a nuke. Then ya'll come back now, ya here?

Garfield Ridge: Always Credible.

Dave, I'm not sure there's much need to apologize. Hey, sometimes you hop on the right train, sometimes you don't. Had it really been a nuke test, you'd be among those leading the story. Oh well.

But I did make a couple of observations: you based your articles on speculation and never aluded the story being confirmed fact. Confirmed, you know, by experts -- handwriting or otherwise.

Also, when it appeared the speculation was largely baseless, you noted it publicly, and even apologized.

So, this puts you a few rungs higher on the same ladder from which Dan Rather's falling.

I enjoy your blog.

Thank you John-- I always try to be honest and open, even when I'm lying and bullknitting.

Integrity first, as they say here at work.

Thanks for writing in-- and reading my site!

-- Dave at Garfield Ridge
Dude, I used to take you so seriously. But now I'm starting to doubt you've ever actually seen hard core pornography. You're just making stuff up based on AP headlines, aren't you? Admit it.
Hey, Ron Jeremy and I are LIKETHIS. And not only in comparing our general physical appearance.

Do not doubt me, croco-man. I might need a new pair of boots after I'm done kicking your behind. ;-)
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