Wednesday, September 15, 2004

 

Lazy Town Is Satan Town.

Alert: shameless theft of another man's blog ahead.

James Lileks has an uncanny ability to discover the absolute worst culture has to offer. Whether it be bad food, bad art, bad architecture-- the guy is good. If you've never spent time wandering through his archives, you're denying yourself some of the biggest laughs you will ever have. EVER. Especially "The Story of Bread."

Alas, for some unknown reason, his site is blocked on my computer at work.

Thus, until now I was unable to see his commentary on the new Nick Jr. children's program Lazy Town. Here he is, taken from today's "Bleat":

The ads set it up: you have Lazy Town, which is . . . a town, I guess, and it has one pink-haired girl citizen, and one buff grinny gym teacher in blue shorts and a spiked moustache. He's "Sportacus," and he doesn't walk when he can jump and twirl around in the air. He's the Pete Best of the Village People. His rival is Robbie Rotten, a cad with a prosthetic chin who plots ways to defeat Sportacus and make the children eat sugar. There is a Mayor and several children, who don't look like the girl or Sportacus or Robbie, but instead have inert plastic heads whose limited labial mobility helps sell the product in foreign language markets. I can't tell you how creepy it is. I figured it was British.
Intrigued, I followed his links. First, a video. Then, the Lazy Town website.

After seeing all of this, I removed my eyes, just like Sam Neill did at the end of Event Horizon.

---

I know my readers are smart. After all, you visit Garfield Ridge and link to it on your own blogs and share it with all of your friends (right?).

That is why I believe you were smart enough to *not* visit those websites I just mentioned above, because if you did, you'd end up looking like Pinhead.

Since you didn't see the horror for yourselves, here begins but a taste of Lazy Town.



This is Ziggy. According to his official biography, Ziggy is "easily distracted, especially by - mmmm - "Choco-Sugar-Yummies."

I think Ziggy is retarded. He has his initials on the bottom of his shoes, so his friends can easily identify Ziggy after he goes looking for Choco-Sugar-Yummies at the bottom of a woodchipper.


This is Sportacus. In Sportacus's bio it states that "his kryptonite is sugar. Just the slightest bit makes him instantly lethargic, and he crumples to the ground in a heap."

You know what I figure would also make Sportacus crumple to the ground in a heap? Snapping his brain stem in half with fabric shears. That should do the trick.

Like Lileks, however, I do love the name of the actor who plays him: Magnus Scheving. One of the BEST. NAMES. EVER. Even if the guy looks like Snidely Whiplash in his salad days.

---

Now, instead of offering you excerpts from Lazy Town's mission statement, I will commit wholesale plagiarism. With added commentary, of course. It's my way of giving back to the community.

LazyTown Entertainment is an independent entertainment and licensing company dedicated to creating children's products, which deliver pro-health and pro-social messages in an entertaining and nonviolent way.

Like the Gulag, only with brighter colors.

Founded in 1995 in Reykjavik, Iceland, the Company has enjoyed continuous growth and has attracted an ever-expanding family of investors and business partners, including broadcasters, international banks, consumer products companies, publishers, apparel and toy companies.

"The Company" now owns the entire island of Iceland, with every man, woman and child bitterly enslaved to its nefarious plans for global domination.

Researchers say that obesity due to poor diet and lack of exercise will be the leading cause of preventable death for this generation of children. Let´s prove them wrong!

Hmmm. Wouldn't you want to prove them right? I mean, proving that obesity is due to calo-rays emitted from radioactive fjords would prove the researchers wrong. Proving that obesity is the result of magical flatulence emitted by tiny unicorn ponies galloping in the small intestine; *that* would prove the researchers wrong.

Besides, not to go all technical on someone from a socialist paradise, but I'm pretty sure that the leading cause of preventable death for children worldwide still involves NOT feeding them.

The philosophy of LazyTown is to activate children and inspire them to live a healthy life. This philosophy has already been widely spread in Iceland and shows how well the property is adapted to children. In the form of a TV series the television can be turned into a part of the solution to children's obesity and lack of physical activity.

"Activate children." Again, ya gotta love that ol' time Marxist-Leninist rhetoric. The children are the vanguard of the dialectic. Like Mao once said: let a thousand product licenses bloom.

Then again, it's good to know this philosophy has widely spread in Iceland; it'll make the SIOP targeting easier.

BTW, you know what also can be turned into a solution to children's obesity? Kicking them the fuck outside. It's Iceland; there has to be some shiny rocks for them to play with.

LazyTown uses humor, music and high-quality production and strong values to enable children to make positive choices for their physical and social well being. This is a key issue that separates LazyTown from other contemporary children's programs.

Why, yes; humor, music, and high-quality production and strong values would separate Lazy Town from other contemporary children's programs. So would Sportacus supergluing the flesh of a naked Ziggy to a wheelchair, then setting Ziggy aflame, and then rolling burning Ziggy down a street.

No one has EVER seen that in a contemporary children's program, I can assure you.

---

What the hell is wrong with kids programs these days? They all need to have some sort of PC message for children, like "save the whales" or "eat organic foods" or "remember to use a dental damn for cunnilingus, especially during menstruation."

Whatever happened to, oh, I dunno-- simply learning how to spell? Or learning how to count? Or learning how to look busy in front of the television while Mommy cursed at Daddy for coming home drunk the night before?

Whatever happened to shows like Electric Company? Or Mr. Rogers Neighborhood? Or B.J. and the Bear?

Man, now there's a show I could get used to: the tale of a man and his monkey.

Comments:
My two year old watches it and loves it... and when it is -40 outside in the winter, I would rather he be watching that then sponge bob.

To each his own I guess, but at least the show is starting out PC friends and not changing years later...like say cookie monster and his sometimes food?.. NOW THAT is horrible,, this is just nothing more than what it appears to be,, quality childrens programming.
 
BTW, I dont have a blog account,, so I had to sign up under anonymous to post.. oh well...
 
Why can't children have something that promotes fun and actual learning? My two year old son loves the songs and general movement and flow of the show. Itis so sad when adults with OBVIOUSLY nothing better to do with their time sit back and conceive sick and twisted mess into a kiddie show! First it was Barney, then the Telletubbies now, this!
 
No Blog account so anon...I will not have a word said against Sportacus...he is hot totty!!! He can come and get me out of trouble anyday...or better still get me into trouble, oh that bulge!
 
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