Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Company to Develop Hypo-Allergenic Cats.
Wow, some practical benefits from biotechnology (Hat Tip: Drudge):
Finally, I'll no longer have to hide behind the pathetic excuse that cats make me physically ill. I'll have the freedom to acknowledge what I've always believed: cats are stupid.
Seriously, cat dander makes my eyes water. But you know what I really hate about cats?
If you own a cat, you have a box of shit in your house.
Not exactly the most hygenic thing in the world, ya know? No matter how many genes you splice, I bet the Allerca Tabby still leaves his feces in an open box inside your home. And then he makes *you* clean it up.
Two million years of human evolution, and we *volunteer* to clean up cat shit. No wonder the Apes will conquer the planet.
Besides that, cats don't play with you unless they want to play with you. That's not a pet, that's a girlfriend.
Yes, I know-- even male cats exhibit this behavior. This means that male cats are gay, like Derek Jeter. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.
Oh, and I always hate that cat lovers won't remove their claws.
Jesus H. Christ, it's a frickin' animal. With claws. In your house. Around your stuff. Around your eyes.
If declawing is so painful, why don't they just give kitty all the nip he can sniff, and chop the whole paw off? Voila, problem solved.
Sure, the "phantom paw" pain may hurt Tabby for a little while, but he'll get it over it. And if he doesn't? Just get a new cat, they breed like fucking rats anyways.
Have I met any nice cats? Mmmm. . . no. I've met cats I can tolerate. But I don't like being around them, for the simple fact that they don't like being around me.
You think this is cute? Then you're a pussy, too.
Even worse, cat people piss me off. They're culty, like Scientologists, only without all the culty tithing to Xenu. Instead, they follow their "pets" around and clean up their shit and pick up their hairballs and rationalize it when they get scratched and pretend their cats love them when all they do is fucking sit there and lick themselves and sniff nip all God damn day long just like some stoner Phish fan on vacation in a Dutch hash shop.
Oh well, no loss. Dogs like me. Always. No matter what. And at least you can teach them to shit outside.
Now, if Allerca can breed a cat that is as friendly as a dog, shits outside, and has no claws, then we'll talk.
LOS ANGELES, Oct. 26 /PRNewswire/ -- ALLERCA Inc. today launched a project to produce the world's first hypoallergenic cats. The hypoallergenic cats produced by ALLERCA will allow consumers to enjoy the love and companionship of a pet without the cost, inconvenience, risk, and limited effectiveness of current allergy treatments. Clients will take delivery of the first ALLERCA kittens in 2007. The hypoallergenic cat is the first of a planned series of lifestyle pets that ALLERCA will develop over the next few years.Now, assuming that this isn't a joke-- the Allerca website looks pretty legit, if a bit sparse, and a little too focused on the product at the exclusion of the process-- this is really something, especially for someone like me, someone uncomfortably allergic to cats.
Finally, I'll no longer have to hide behind the pathetic excuse that cats make me physically ill. I'll have the freedom to acknowledge what I've always believed: cats are stupid.
Seriously, cat dander makes my eyes water. But you know what I really hate about cats?
If you own a cat, you have a box of shit in your house.
Not exactly the most hygenic thing in the world, ya know? No matter how many genes you splice, I bet the Allerca Tabby still leaves his feces in an open box inside your home. And then he makes *you* clean it up.
Two million years of human evolution, and we *volunteer* to clean up cat shit. No wonder the Apes will conquer the planet.
Besides that, cats don't play with you unless they want to play with you. That's not a pet, that's a girlfriend.
Yes, I know-- even male cats exhibit this behavior. This means that male cats are gay, like Derek Jeter. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.
Oh, and I always hate that cat lovers won't remove their claws.
Jesus H. Christ, it's a frickin' animal. With claws. In your house. Around your stuff. Around your eyes.
If declawing is so painful, why don't they just give kitty all the nip he can sniff, and chop the whole paw off? Voila, problem solved.
Sure, the "phantom paw" pain may hurt Tabby for a little while, but he'll get it over it. And if he doesn't? Just get a new cat, they breed like fucking rats anyways.
Have I met any nice cats? Mmmm. . . no. I've met cats I can tolerate. But I don't like being around them, for the simple fact that they don't like being around me.
You think this is cute? Then you're a pussy, too.
Even worse, cat people piss me off. They're culty, like Scientologists, only without all the culty tithing to Xenu. Instead, they follow their "pets" around and clean up their shit and pick up their hairballs and rationalize it when they get scratched and pretend their cats love them when all they do is fucking sit there and lick themselves and sniff nip all God damn day long just like some stoner Phish fan on vacation in a Dutch hash shop.
Oh well, no loss. Dogs like me. Always. No matter what. And at least you can teach them to shit outside.
Now, if Allerca can breed a cat that is as friendly as a dog, shits outside, and has no claws, then we'll talk.
Comments:
You hurt Baxter's feelings! He likes you! Why do you think he sticks his butt in your face when you visit? Shevonne
Hilarious. And this comes from a cat-lover, BOTH of whose cats have been "disarmed." But you're right, I do let them poop in my house. On the other hand, they don't roll in it or in other cats' poop. They also don't get run over by cars or killed by other animals when they stay inside. But wait, you might like that!!
At least you hate them with a good healthy hate.....Jennie-C
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# posted by 
: 10:29 AM
: 10:29 AM At least you hate them with a good healthy hate.....Jennie-C
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