Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Fear The Ape.
Ace is kind enough to link to me, and it's obvious he shares my concern over the ape threat.
Will you be ready to fight the ape?
However, I am most troubled at a logical flaw in the Planet of the Apes series.
Now, I'm not talking about time travel paradoxes, or why an ape would make a human doll that talks.
No, what I'm talking about is why the hell are the apes allowed to live?
At the end of Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Caesar, the son of Cornelius and Zira, is spirited away by circus maestro Armando (played by the God among men, Ricardo Montalban).
Yes, I know the ape baby's name was originally Milo, but hey, Armando had to change his name to protect the innocent baby ape. Or, so he thought the baby ape was innocent. The fool.
By the time of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, apes worldwide have been enslaved by humanity, with the greatest concentration in the city where Ape Management is located.
Here's my question: why bother enslaving the ape? The events of Escape make it clear that humanity sees the apes for the threat that they are. If we justifiably fear that the ape will conquer man, why would we invite them into our homes, and condition them to use our tools and do our bidding? Why not just kill them all off and be done with it?
I mean, it's not like man is weaker than the ape:
Columns measured in millions. Or even billions.
Why can't we successfully eradicate the ape threat outright? Are there some animal-rights organizations demanding the survival of the intelligent ape, even at the price of man's extinction?
It's a madhouse, I tell you-- a madhouse!!!
Alright, fine, let's accept the premise that apes make useful pets. Some people would argue against this, while others swear by the bathroom-cleaning power of monkeys. Either way, it's obvious that by the time of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, humanity has accepted the ape into his home.
So, how does the ape, practically overnight, become intelligent?
Are we really to believe that for hundreds of thousands of years, ape evolution has been stymied by the lack of proper role models? That no ape got it into their furry heads to get smart and fight back until Caesar showed up, like some chimpanzee Monolith? And that within a matter of weeks, the apes developed intelligence comparable to a human teenager, or John McEnroe?
How did the apes do it? How come humans have never been able to replicate Caesar's achievements, no matter how hard we've tried?
C'mon, we've taught them how to ride bikes:
We've taught them how to kickbox:
We've even taught them how to fly nuclear strike missions:
Yet, all our attempts at fostering ape intelligence have failed. What charms does Caesar possess that we humans do not? What is his secret in rallying an ape army to revolt against Homo Sapiens bondage?
I don't know if we can continue on this path to our destruction. Left unchecked, the ape threat will consume all of humanity, except for a few brave time-traveling astronauts, and the cobalt-bomb worshipping psionic mutants. I don't think the world can be safe until we discover how, exactly, apes become intelligent.
I will not rest. I will not tire. I will not falter in this quest.
Will you be ready to fight the ape?
However, I am most troubled at a logical flaw in the Planet of the Apes series.
Now, I'm not talking about time travel paradoxes, or why an ape would make a human doll that talks.
No, what I'm talking about is why the hell are the apes allowed to live?
At the end of Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Caesar, the son of Cornelius and Zira, is spirited away by circus maestro Armando (played by the God among men, Ricardo Montalban).
Yes, I know the ape baby's name was originally Milo, but hey, Armando had to change his name to protect the innocent baby ape. Or, so he thought the baby ape was innocent. The fool.
By the time of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, apes worldwide have been enslaved by humanity, with the greatest concentration in the city where Ape Management is located.
Here's my question: why bother enslaving the ape? The events of Escape make it clear that humanity sees the apes for the threat that they are. If we justifiably fear that the ape will conquer man, why would we invite them into our homes, and condition them to use our tools and do our bidding? Why not just kill them all off and be done with it?
I mean, it's not like man is weaker than the ape:
Columns measured in millions. Or even billions.
Why can't we successfully eradicate the ape threat outright? Are there some animal-rights organizations demanding the survival of the intelligent ape, even at the price of man's extinction?
It's a madhouse, I tell you-- a madhouse!!!
Alright, fine, let's accept the premise that apes make useful pets. Some people would argue against this, while others swear by the bathroom-cleaning power of monkeys. Either way, it's obvious that by the time of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, humanity has accepted the ape into his home.
So, how does the ape, practically overnight, become intelligent?
Are we really to believe that for hundreds of thousands of years, ape evolution has been stymied by the lack of proper role models? That no ape got it into their furry heads to get smart and fight back until Caesar showed up, like some chimpanzee Monolith? And that within a matter of weeks, the apes developed intelligence comparable to a human teenager, or John McEnroe?
How did the apes do it? How come humans have never been able to replicate Caesar's achievements, no matter how hard we've tried?
C'mon, we've taught them how to ride bikes:
We've taught them how to kickbox:
We've even taught them how to fly nuclear strike missions:
Yet, all our attempts at fostering ape intelligence have failed. What charms does Caesar possess that we humans do not? What is his secret in rallying an ape army to revolt against Homo Sapiens bondage?
I don't know if we can continue on this path to our destruction. Left unchecked, the ape threat will consume all of humanity, except for a few brave time-traveling astronauts, and the cobalt-bomb worshipping psionic mutants. I don't think the world can be safe until we discover how, exactly, apes become intelligent.
I will not rest. I will not tire. I will not falter in this quest.
