Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Ace's Generic Walk-Thru For Every Game You've Ever Played.

Ace knocks one out of the park today with his generic walk-through for video games. Here's a taste:
At some point a bunch of guards will pop out from behind a bunch of cargo boxes. What were they doing there? Shooting craps. Who the fuck knows. They will now shoot at you with bullets and/or "ectoplasm bolts." The best way to handle them is to run around like a fucking maniac with your finger stuck firmly down on "Fire" until every last one of them is dead.

Then loot their bodies. Because, you know, that's a big part of every adventure movie or book you've ever enjoyed, right? Looting the bodies is an important part of the action-hero fantasy, right?

If I had a nickel for every time Indiana Jones killed a Nazi and then rifled through his pockets, I'd be a rich fucking man. I mean, every time Han Solo caps a stormtrooper, he immediately yells to Chewbacca, "Hey, give me a hand, you big ball of fur! There's a bunch of dead guys here just completely weighed down with free shit!"
Lots there; read the whole thing. As they say, it's funny because it's true.
I really hope that our military simulations don't work the same way. WWII would have been a lot longer if we had to use all of our ammunition on one person and then rifle through his pockets all the way through Europe.

You caught us.
What I want to know is when is the military going to stop dicking around with "automatic rifles" and "ammunition" and start issuing Fire Flowers to our troops?
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