Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Klingon Euphemisms For Masturbation.

I. . . I can't do this.

I was going to start another one of my random, stream-of-consciousness semi-humorous lists, but then I realized: I don't speak Klingon.

Even visiting the Klingon Language Institute online did little to help me.

I'll be honest; I've never been good with languages.

A childhood on the South Side of Chicago taught me all the swear words I need to know if I ever visit Warsaw, but not much more.

Four years of French in grade and high schools, and I *might* be able to find the shitter in Quebec.

About three classes of German in college taught me that: A) learning a language at 8:00 am is impossible; B) especially hungover; and C) especially from a harsh woman who can charitably be referred to as "Helga the Teutonic Bitch-Witch."

I'm sorry, but that's something I never understood: how am I supposed to learn a foreign language from someone who doesn't speak English? Great, now I can't understand her in *either* language.

I've always envied the multilingual, but none of it's ever worked for me. It doesn't matter what language anyone is speaking, they pretty much all sound like Mexican. Or Bocce, which is a lot like the binary language of moisture vaporators.

About the only language I can grasp is anything involving guttural clicks; those are pretty sweet. I feel that there's never enough room for tongue-clucking in daily conversation.

(Total aside: I went looking for a funny reference to The Gods Must Be Crazy, only to discover that, in addition to the sequel I already knew about, there are at least *five* movies starring N!xau and his wacky adventures with a Coke bottle. Geez, talk about milking a concept for all it's worth. Sadly, N!xau died in 2003, so there won't be a The Gods Must Be Crazy Part 6, unless the producers line up Charles Gitonga Maina).

N!xau: The Kalahari Steve Guttenberg.

Anyways, I'm glad that over the past twenty years someone with far too much time on their hands actually invented the Klingon language. It probably kept them from shooting up their school, or setting fire to Walter Koenig at a convention.

Besides, as they say, you've never read Hamlet until you've read it in the original Klingon.

Personally, I'd argue that you've never read Penthouse Forum until you've read it in the original Braille, but I may be alone in that assessment.

I cannot tell you how much I hated "The Gods Must be Crazy."
Then don't.

Problem solved!
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