Thursday, December 09, 2004


Movie Review: Blade III

You know blogging is getting to you when you come into work early in order to post.

I've got a four-hour "meeting" from 0800-1200 today, so I plan on basically hiding myself in the corner of a Pentagon conference room hoping they don't pick me to talk. It'll be like algebra class all over again, except with paintings of stealth bombers on the walls.

In the meantime, I give you the shortest Blade III review you'll ever read: O.K.

Hmmm. . . [checking the clock]. . . Alright, I'll give you a bit more.

The first one was great. A little uneven (the female doctor was a charisma-sink, and Stephen Dorff?!?), but I can't complain about any film starring both Tracy Lords *AND* Donal Logue. Especially not in the same scene together, because that would be distracting, like midget pornography.

The second one was disappointing, but still good enough for me.

This one feels less like the third Blade and more like the thirty-third Blade. With the exception of one major character's death in the first fifteen minutes of the film (NOTE: the Blade series has two major characters, and Wesley Snipes doesn't die, so there's you honkin' spoiler), there's none of that pesky "character development" so many films insist on pursuing.

Seriously, if Wesley Snipes acted any less in this film, he'd be an action figure. Or in a George Lucas movie.

It's unfortunate, because Snipes has had some fun with the Blade character in the past. The trouble with Blade III is that they introduce a bunch of new characters, the "Nightstalkers," to help Blade move his neck-- I mean help him battle vampires. They all compete with Blade for screentime, and one-liners.

They're all useless people, especially a blind biologist played by an increasingly-husky Natasha Lyonne. It looks like the only thing she's been doing since American Pie is *eating* lots of pie.

There's wussy white guy #1 and wussy black guy #2.

Then there's Jessica Biel, who is single-handedly responsible for the greatest male-genitalia-tease in the history of film. I still hate her because of her no-nudity clause.

In the recent remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Biel runs around in a tight white t-shirt scared and wet during the entire movie. She even gets thrown in a meat locker at the end of the movie, and yet she shows no nipplage.

WTF? There's only two possible explanations for such an outrage: either she has the most ridiculous no-nudity clause on the planet, or Jessica Biel does not, in fact, have any nipples.

Anyways-- Biel's nipples do no acting in Blade III either, so there's really no reason to watch her otherwise. As long as they were trolling Seventh Heaven, they could've just gotten Beverly Mitchell, or that younger daughter on the show who looks like she was adopted from Trinidad & Tobago.

So, I've spent lots of words complaining. Why was it okay?

Because of Ryan Reynolds, star of the late and lamented ABC sitcom classic 2 Girls, a Guy, and a Pizza Place.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.

Reynolds is not only funny in every scene he's in, you have to laugh at how the director thinks it's a good idea to have him funny in every scene he's in. There's an extended scene where Reynolds is getting interrogated by some vampires, and is repeatedly beaten down. Every time he gets back up, he makes another sarcastic joke. By my watch, this went on for 47 minutes. It's fascinating to watch.

Does it ruin the movie? Yeah, kinda, sorta. Blade himself is supposed to be the wisecracking one. Instead, we've got Van Wilder: Vampire Hunter being a smart-ass and stealing every scene. Oh, and right, they're actually fighting to save the world from the unholy undead; you might want to leave the pop-culture references at home for a while.

Anyways, in the end, I guess I liked Blade III because it was better than being at work, or watching NBC television. The fact that the movie went nowhere, had no character development, had no bad guys worth being afraid of, and had mind-numbingly repetitive action sequences (punch! kick! slap! stab vampire! watch it burn in to ash!). . . well. . . I can't really hold it against it, because I was entertained for the seven-three days it felt like I was in the theater.

Wait, wait, wait, so, a character they killed in the first movie, only to cheapen the death by revealing he's still alive in the second movie, they kill him yet AGAIN??? I'm gonna have to skip this one, methinks.
Gonna have to disagree on Ryan Reynolds. He was OK, but Jason Lee has already played that character in pretty much every Kevin Smith film.

My reasons to watch: Jessica Biel and Parker Posey.
Good lord Unabrewer-- I *forgot* to mention that.

I had a whole rif planned on how Ryan Reynolds is the poor man's Jason Lee, especially in this film. But I had to run for my meeting, so I didn't put it in.

But yes, I agree with you, 100%. Okay, 95%, because I still enjoyed Reynolds in this-- mostly because I just thought of him being in a different movie than anyone else there.

Seriously, it's like they gave him a different script, telling him he's starring in a Fletch sequel.
You think he acted less than Matt Damen in "The Bourne Supremacy"? Because, if that man had 9 lines in the whole film, I'll eat my blog.
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