Thursday, December 02, 2004


Record lottery winner arrested on DUI, weapons charges.

CHARLESTON, West Virginia (AP) -- A man who won a record $315 million in the Powerball lottery was taken to jail on charges of drunken driving and carrying a pistol, authorities said.

Jack Whittaker, 57, was arrested Tuesday night after his Hummer struck a concrete median on the West Virginia Turnpike near Beckley.

Senior Trooper M.J. Pinardo reported that he smelled alcohol, but Whittaker refused sobriety tests and was "extremely belligerent." Troopers also said they found a small pistol in Whittaker's boot and he was carrying $117,000 in cash.

Huh. That's odd. We both carry the same amount of cash around.

My first thought on reading this is that, if you have $315 million, and you decide to get liquored up. . . call a cab. Or, better yet, hire a driver.

Then again, I guess once you have that kind of money, you feel invulnerable. With $315 million, you can buy and sell humans as so much chattell.

Of course, if I had $315 million dollars, you know what'd I do? Two chicks at the same time, man.

But that's just me.


You know that only takes $1 million. You wouldn't need the other 314

What's this guy even doing in the country? About four minutes after winning that kind of money I'd be sitting on my diamond throne in my secret hollowed out volcano island base, watching death matches between my slave gladiators and giant genetically engineered super roosters while drinking champagne off of Liv Tyler's breasts.

I mean, that is some serious dough. A Hummer and a pistol? Please.
Dude, high five on that!
Awww. . . I want a super-secret volcano base. . .
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