Friday, December 03, 2004


Two Words: John McEnroe Is A Big Fat Loser.

My brother alerts me to the news that John McEnroe's CNBC talk show has finally, mercifully been cancelled.
NEW YORK (CBS.MW) -- CNBC said Friday that John McEnroe's dismal prime-time talk show will be canceled by the end of the year. The viewer numbers for the show, which had its debut in July, were so low at times that they failed to qualify for Nielsen's ratings reports. It was drawing an average audiences of 75,000 a night, CNBC said.

That's well below an estimated daytime peak around 230,000 when stock markets close. Many daytime viewers in the channel's 86 million U.S. household connections briefly check the channel for index or stock performance, and it is said to have the highest audience income demographics on cable TV.

"McEnroe" failed despite the considerable fame of its host, one of the greatest tennis players of his era. Plus, CNBC was counting on reaching advertisers' coveted audience of young males, who enjoyed McEnroe's reputation for throwing temper tantrums on the tennis court and questioning authority.
Wow. I don't know if I've ever seen spin so utterly disconnected from reality. At least not since the Clinton Administration.

Sure, John McEnroe appealed to rebellious young males. . . in 1984. Today, he's as relevant to the youth demographic as Jay-Z is to my elderly Dad.

Hey dawgs! Drink yo Ensure!. The balanced nutrition is off da hook!

John, baby, if I can give you one piece of advice? Tie the noose extra tight.

Okay, I'll give you a two-fer: just because you had one (admittedly hilarious) cameo in Adam Sandler's Mr. Deeds doesn't mean anyone under the age of fifty wants to watch you stumble over three-syllable words during an interview with Stevie Nicks.

Longtime readers will recall my, ahem, strong opinions on the subject of McEnroe's talk show. See here, here, or here.

I can't say that I'm delighted with this news. For complete nirvana, I would need verification that, as a reward for his cancellation, Mr. McEnroe was dipped in a vat of honey and rolled downhill into a writhing mound of Bolivian fire ants. Plus, I'd also need a phone call from CNBC telling me his time slot is now mine to do with as I please.

I'm thinking something like The Man Show crossed with Mama's Family.

For now: rejoice.

Yay! I'm a big cancelled loser!
Don't forget that great gameshow that McEnroe hosted. It was the one where they'd shoch you and cook you while asking rapidfire questions or some such nonsense.
I have to confess that I never really knew what the big deal was with this guy. The only reference I ever came across was the mention in House of Pain's "Jump Around." This may have something to do with the fact that in 1984 I was totally dedicated to my art and, you know, being two years old.

The fact that CNBC thought this was a good idea in the first place convinces me that CNBC is actually run by Mr. Burns.

"Smithers, what we need is a talk show program on the television with a young firebreather, a real rabblerousing iconoclast. Like that young foriegn fellow, Vladimir Lenin."

"Um, he's dead, sir."

"Very well then, get John McEnroe. He is still alive, isn't he?"

"I'll check, sir."
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