Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Why America Won The Cold War.

The Hardee's Thickburger, the Cadillac of Burgers.

I've quietly followed the development of the Thickburger with eager anticipation as Hardee's rolled out this culinary Kraken. Sadly, I have yet to savor the gargantuan goodness of the burger-- no Hardee's nearby, dagnabbit.

However, come Christmastime, I'll be travelling through the Midwest, and I plan on daring the fates to strike me down with an exploding heart this holiday season.

It just may be the proudest moment of my life.

And it will all be worth it for this:

The fuss is all about a super-supersized burger — two 1/3-pound slabs of all-Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. The sandwich alone sells for $5.49, or $7.09 with fries and a soda. The combo packs more calories and fat than most people should get in a day.
Of course, not everyone agrees with my assessment. The grumps out there want to spoil my self-exploration into cardiac bliss:

The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based advocate for nutrition and health, dubbed the Thickburgers "food porn," the Monster "the fast-food equivalent of a snuff film."
If the Thickburger is a snuff film, then I have one thing to say: roll the Super 8!

Holiday air travelers, he suggested, should go lighter on the airlines and "have a stick of butter instead. That has only 800 calories and 88 grams of fat. We could always wrap it in bacon."
Whoa, wait a second. Wait just ONE. DAMN. SECOND.

Bacon-wrapped butter?

That's an option?? No one ever told me this before!

Sweet Lord. . . What delights will they think of next?


Please note: Yes, in my earlier posting tonight I mentioned that I'm uncomfortable posting at home given the total lack of protection I have against viral infection.

You're risking your computer's life!

I know I am, Dr. House. But the amazing story of the Thickburger compels me to risk my electronic safety so I may bring this tale to you, my readers.

Bon appetit!
Regarding the Thickburger, I am reminded of a conversation a friend of mine once had. My friend said that if a restaurant opened that served human steaks and "manburgers" he'd eat there, just once.

That's kind of how I feel about the Thickburger.
Try one first in Milwaukee, we have a first rate heart hospital about 3 miles away....Think of all the visiting we can get in! We won't let those pesky CICU nurses and heart monitors dampen our spirits! Merry Christmas! Here's your triple bypass! Shevonne
I just vomitted in my mouth.
Don't worry Ranger. I'm sure you can get one without beef and bacon.

But why would you want it?
Hey, if you're passing through the Midwest (the colon of the nation?), we have a Hardee's in Mattoon, IL, just one hour south of beautiful Champaign-Urbana on I-57. My daughter works there so I can get us a discount.
Even better. We have one close in DC. Now we may not want to go to this one because it is close to a Checkers and I know you know what that means:

1005 First St NE
Washington, DC 20002-4208

We are also close to NIH for any emergency heart transplants, etc.

MP-- two words.

Tomorrow. Night.
Holy lord. I mean, just damn. Two-thirds of a pound of cowflesh isn't enough - they have to put bacon on it? The very thought quickens my pulse.

And yet... Something inside me is telling me to find out if New Orleans has a Hardees...
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