Saturday, January 22, 2005


After May 19th, Can Someone Please Punch George Lucas In The Throat?

Just about everybody has made their postings about the "Darth Tater" Mr. Potato Head-- see Jen, Sobek, or Average Joe.

I held back. I followed the tried-and-true rule, "If you have nothing nice to say, patiently wait until you have something really mean and petty to say."

I love Star Wars, even if I long ago realized that Star Wars merchandising was ridiculous.

Darth Maul body wash? Check.

Jar-Jar Binks toothpaste? Check.

Princess Leia's slave bikini? Yeah dawg, you're damn right baby, check!

However, while reading the announcement for the Spud of the Sith, I overlooked this new toy: the Wookie Soaker.

Who's up for a stream of Wookie justice?

Average Joe thinks the Wookie Soaker sounds "maybe just a little pornographic." If I may be blunt, I think it sounds a WHOLE LOT pornographic.

A "Wookie Soaker" sounds like a euphemism for getting doused in urine by your pet dog.

All this leads me to wonder: what other Star Wars terms sound "just a little pornogrphic"?

-- Trench run.
-- Aiming for the thermal exhaust port.
-- Goldenrod.
-- Han Solo.
-- Tauntauns.
-- Feeling the Force flow through you.

-- Sarlacc Pit.
-- Dueling lightsabers.
-- Successfully navigating an asteroid field.

. . . and I'm sure there are many others.

I can't believe how bad the second series of films has been. I've been trying to convince a good friend to give up on the franchise -- it is one of my new goals.

I was so surprised at how bad the fourth installment was that I waited for the fifth to come out on cable. That's right. I had no urge or desire to even rent a STAR WARS FILM!

Which is why I can't understand the buzz for the next one. This franchise is dead. I'm sorry, but it's over Johnny. It's over.
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