Monday, January 17, 2005


The Golden Globes.

Golden Globes were on tonight.

I didn't watch, because I don't care about the Golden Globes.

But Dave, you love movies!

Yeah, but I hate award shows.

What about the Academy Awards?

They're different. Oscars mean something. Nobody ever got laid for being a three-time Golden Globe winner.

The Golden Globes: Oscar's "differently abled" sister.

Oh, come now. Look at what a Golden Globe did for Pia Zadora's career!

My point exactly. Winning a Golden Globe is like Peyton Manning winning the NFL's Most Valuable Player trophy-- it don't mean shit unless you win the only award anybody cares about.

But the Golden Globes have awards for Best Drama *and* Best Comedy.

That's just like those fucking foreigners, they can never make up their fucking foreign minds.

You know why the Globes has two sets of awards? So in any given year the Hollywood Foreign Press can suck both Roman Polanski's *AND* Woody Allen's pygmy dicks at the same time.

What about the television awards?

Oh, you mean the Emmys? I don't watch them either, they suck shit corn. Hell, the Emmys didn't even have the good sense to recognize that the best dramatic actor of 2004 was Ian McShane in Deadwood.

Aha! But the Golden Globes gave Ian McShane an award for Best Dramatic Actor. That means they're good, right?

No, that just means they heard the outcry after the Emmys, and bent over to popular will like the French bend over for men in lederhosen.

In the words of Al Swearengen, those fucking cocksuckers took their fucking heads out of their ass-kissed asses long enough to fucking realize they're cocksucking cocksuckers.

Thanks for the award, cocksuckers!

But what about the show itself, with that witty dinner format? It's always spontaneous!

Hey, if I want spontaneity, I'd wear a white hood into Southeast D.C. today.

If I want to watch Robin Williams dribble his bladder all over Ray Romano's nose, I'll just reenact it at home with a diorama and sock puppets.

Seriously, how many times do I have to watch a camera fawn over Jack Nicholson before I get a tax credit?

Alright then, Mister Man-- what films do *you* think are the year's best?

Wait your turn. You'll read my list on Garfield Ridge in due course.

In the meantime, it's time to make the donuts.

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