Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Let Us Trim Our Hair In Accordance With Socialist Lifestyle.

It's Queer Eye for the Kim Guy in everybody's favorite Hermit Kingdom:

North Korea has launched an intensive media assault on its latest arch enemy - the wrong haircut.

A campaign exhorting men to get a proper short-back-and-sides has been aired by state-run Pyongyang television.

Why do I hear in my head the voice of Montgomery Burns repeatedly commanding Don Mattingly to "shave your sideburns, you slacker?"

It is the strongest media campaign against men's sloppy appearances mounted in the reclusive and impoverished Communist state in recent years.

The propaganda drive on grooming standards has gone a stage further than previous attempts. This time television identifies specific individuals deemed too shoddy.
Now, isn't that being a little harsh? What's next, state cartoons telling children to inform when their parents forget to flush?

Oops, sorry, I forgot: we're talking about North Korea here. Running water, ha ha ha. . . yeah, right.

Good thing Randy Moss doesn't live in North Korea.

Comrade, your hair is not in accordance with a socialist lifestyle.

It stressed the "negative effects" of long hair on "human intelligence development", noting that long hair "consumes a great deal of nutrition" and could thus rob the brain of energy.
You know what else robs the brain of energy? Gulags.

State radio programmes such as "Dressing in accordance with our people's motion and taste" link clothes and appearance with the wearer's "ideological and mental state".

Tidy attire "is important in repelling the enemies' manoeuvres to infiltrate corrupt capitalist ideas and lifestyle and establishing the socialist lifestyle of the military-first era," the radio says.

This is where North Korean TV should bust out the classic Wendy's Russian fashion show commercial with "Svimvear" and "Evening Vear."

Just like the man in the commercial says, having no choice is no fun.

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