Tuesday, January 25, 2005

 

Other Valuable Movie Awards

Best Hair: Natalie Portman, Closer. The pageboy is sooo 2005, trust me.

Worst Hair: Ben Stiller, Dodgeball. Oh, I’m sorry, I guess his hair was supposed to be a joke, right?

Best Action Sequences: The first ten minutes of Dawn of the Dead; the last half hour of The Incredibles; basically, the entire Bourne Supremacy.

Movie Least Applicable to Surviving In a Post-Apocalyptic Society: Dawn of the Dead. The film’s events take place near Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The film ends with our heroes escaping to an island in the middle of Lake Michigan after they run out of fresh water to drink. Too bad there is no island in the middle of Lake Michigan—but on the bright side, all of Lake Michigan is fresh water, unless you’re near Gary, Indiana.

Best Nude Scene: Elisha Cuthbert, The Girl Next Door. . . if there was any justice in the world. Otherwise, Rachel Blanchard, Open Water.

Best Sex Scene: Jordan Ladd, Club Dread. So athletic, the audience lost weight.

Best Sex Scene Involving Puppets: Team America: World Police

Best Vomiting Scene Involving Puppets: Team America: World Police. Hands down the funniest scene in a movie last year.

Hands down the second funniest scene in a movie last year: the little German boy in the background in Eurotrip. Awful movie, but that scene made me laugh until I spotted my pants.

Funniest scene involving an Ogre: (tie) the COPS parody in Shrek 2; Mongo the giant Gingerbread Man in Shrek 2.

Why I’m naming my first-born Ron Burgundy: Two words—“Sex Panther”.

“Just About The Worst Thing Ever” Scene: (three-way tie) Uma Thurman being buried alive in Kill Bill Volume 2; the entire movies of both Open Water and Touching the Void.

The “I’m Glad He’s Not My Dad” Award: Tim McGraw who plays the sports father from hell in Friday Night Lights.

He Just Guaranteed He’ll Work For Another Five Years: Clive Owen in Closer. He’s so absolutely fantastically evil that it will be criminal if he doesn’t get more work.

Best Line In A Documentary: Morgan Spurlock, Super Size Me. When his vegetarian girlfriend starts to compare eating meat to heroin addiction, Spurlock laughs in her face, arguing that “you never hear of anyone strung out on ham.”

The Most Uncomfortable Movie Moment Of 2004: The moment I realized while watching Mean Girls that Lindsay Lohan would turn 18 that summer.

The Most Uncomfortable post-Movie Moment of 2004: When I heard that Lindsay Lohan hung out with Tara “I’ve never seen anyone scab like that” Reid.

What Are They Feeding Her?: Kirsten Dunst went from cute in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to a little scary looking in Spiderman 2. She needs some pie.

Hey, wait, she’s not supposed to steal the movie! The Real World’s Jacinda Barrett gave a better performance in Ladder 49 than either Joaquin Phoenix or John Travolta.

The “I’m Not Gonna Spoil It, But This Ends Badly Award”: I can only imagine how many old people grumble at the huge left-turn taken in the middle of Million Dollar Baby.

I’m Going To Ruin The Movie For You To Save You From Disappointment: Denzel Washington, and the audience, spend the majority of Man On Fire thinking little Dakota Fanning is dead, only to find out at the last minute that, quite implausibly, she hadn’t been killed. It makes everything that came before in the film feel like fraud.

The 2004 Jude Law Award For Overexposure goes to: Ben Stiller, who was in 1) Along Came Polly; 2) Starsky & Hutch; 3) Envy; 4) Dodgeball; 5) Anchorman; 6) Meet the Fockers. I swear to God, if he was in one more film I would have removed his trachea with my teeth.

Why don’t we just forget twenty years worth of plot development and start over? The chestbursters in Aliens Versus Predator incubate faster than you can shrink a shrinky-dink. That is, unless, the plot calls for them NOT to incubate quickly.

Best Special Effect: The seamless digital reconstruction of post-World War I Paris in A Very Long Engagement.

Worst Special Effect: I never saw Van Helsing, so I wouldn't know.

Best Score: Howard Shore’s score for The Aviator.

Movie Score Special Mention: The main title theme to the otherwise awful The Day After Tomorrow is an excellent piece of music destined to be used over Bob Costas narrations for the next decade.

Best Soundtrack: Closer. I urge you to pick up Damien Rice’s O, it’s a great album.

Most Original Soundtrack: The Life Aquatic, which features Portugese acoustic covers of David Bowie songs.

Best Trailer of the Year (Star Wars Episode III Doesn't Count): Friday Night Lights, which sold the movie instantly without giving too much away.

Worst Trailers of the Year:
White Chicks
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (it ruined the biggest surprise in the filn, the presence of Neil Patrick Harris playing himself)
Wicker Park (for making the film look totally different than it ended up being)
Saw (for giving away the movie’s main plot hook)

Special Honorary Mention For The Worst Cinematic Event of 2004: The trailer/film/abomination that was Paparazzi. The only preview that garnered laughter every time it was shown.

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