Friday, January 07, 2005

 

People Aren't Wearing Enough Hats.

Hey, I'm just reporting what the titans of industry are saying.

Thankfully, someone has taken that advice.

Introducing: The Thudguard.



The 'Thudguard' protective safety hat will cushion a child's head against bumps, bruising and laceration, whilst developing and exploring newfound mobility. Between the ages 7 to 20 months the fontanelle, temples and back of head are particularly vulnerable when an infant is learning to walk. It also protects adventurous toddlers up to the age of 3 years old who are already walking but who may benefit from extra safety in play parks and other environments. Falling over is part of growing up but the 'Thudguard' can reduce the severity of these injuries. Toddlers will confidently learn to walk, run and play in safety.
Before my post slides down into vicious innuendo, insensitivity and stereotyping, let me go on the record with two remarks:

-- I think children should be protected as best we can. We should smother them with love, kiss their skinned knees, and hug them when the storms come.
-- I don't have any of the shitting little farts.

As Michelle Malkin quoted someone saying, "What kind of loser would put that thing on their kid’s head?"

Yeah, yeah, we always blame the parents. Personally, I feel we should place the blame squarely where it belongs: atop the impact-resistant heads of the gayrod children wearing Thudguards.

I don't get why the Thudguard only covers the head, and not the rest of the face. Because the face is where the kid is going to get punched by the bully who sees the kid wearing the Thudguard. And while the child's mother cries, I'll be laughing my ass off, pointing "Look at the little gayrod kid in the bunny helmet take a knuckle sandwich! Damn, he just got *served*!"

In order to avoid this inevitable tragedy, perhaps we should follow the example set by the NBA?


Kids are already wearing LeBron James' shoes, so why not his facemask too?

Actually, I don't know if even head *and* face protection are enough in today's dangerous world. That's why I advocate augmenting the Thudguard with the new Chubguard.

The Chubguard protects not only the child's sensitive head, it provides full-body coverage via its patented Low-Grade Impact Prevention System. Any child unlucky enough to take a nasty spill while wearing the Chubguard will avoid pain and suffering.

Alas, they won't avoid any ridicule from mean ol' bastards like me, but the same is true if they're wearing a Thudguard. I figure that if you're going to look like a loser when you step outside the warm embrace of your home, you might as well go whole hog and get the most complete protection money can buy.

Or, it's back into the bubble for you.


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