Monday, January 10, 2005


Randy Moss Shows Us His Sensitive Side.

So, I was excited to watch the Green Bay-Minnesota game Sunday afternoon.

That was before it turned into a complete mess. Sloppy field, sloppy play, and yet another sloppy performance by Brett Favre.

Now, I like Brett Favre, I like him a lot. He's a tough competitor, and definitely a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Without looking at his stats, however, it seems to me that Favre must be the only quarterback to combine outstanding play with an uncanny ability to throw interceptions. I mean, it's like the tides, or the phases of the moon-- you can bet your mortgage on the odds he'll throw a crazy/stupid interception in a game. Or, multiple crazy/stupid interceptions in a game.

That said, he's fun to watch, and I certainly cheered on Green Bay more than the Vikes, who are the NFL's version of The Three Faces Of Eve.

Are the Vikings any good? For the NFC in 2005, yeah, sure. Daunte Culpepper is an excellent quarterback. They've got a well-oiled offense. Their defense is abysmal, but it played well enough tonight to win.

But one player defines the schizophrenia of the 2005 Minnesota Vikings: Randy "Scottie Pippen" Moss.

Somewhere, Vidal Sassoon is dropping a toaster into his jacuzzi.

He's crazy when he's on the field. He's crazy when he walks *off* the field. He's a tall bottle of loonjuice.

And Sunday night, in an event that I'm sure all of America will be simultaneously talking about and not caring about, Randy Moss did something SO OUTRAGEOUS! SO WILD! SO DISGUSTING! that children, the elderly, pregnant women and women who want to become pregnant should stop reading Garfield Ridge at this point.



You still with me?

You see, after scoring a touchdown against Green Bay, Randy Moss feigned mooning the crowd.

C'mon, it's not like he had his pants off. Or a Sharpie. Or a cel phone.

This behavior immediately drew FOX booth announcer Joe Buck's urgent apologies for the "disgusting" end-zone dance. Proving once again that if Bob Costas isn't around to suck the life out of a fun game, Joe Buck is more than happy to play the role of Your Disappointed Father.

Later, the FOX studio crew all piled on as well, practically condemning Moss to a lifetime of sensitivity training.

Okay. Let me stop for a moment and say something slowly, loud and clear for the folks in the back of the room: It. Is. Just. A. Game.

This isn't a bare breast exposed to an unwanting audience. This isn't an F-bomb dropped during the Nickelodeon Awards. It's a football player goofing off. A jackass player, yes-- but c'mon, it was still funny.

People forget that while we want heroes in sports, we also demand villains. Baseball wouldn't be half as fun if the Yankees weren't there for everyone to hate. If Mike Tyson didn't exist, Don King would have had to invent him. And don't tell me Ron Artest is now a household name on the account of his perimeter shooting.

I'm not justifying this behavior; I'm simply not condemning it. It can't be allowed to become the game-- just see how awful professional basketball is today because of it-- but it mustn't be purged from the game. Yeah, like that's even possible.

Bad boys entertain us when the game isn't entertaining. Bad boys motivates us to cheer harder and louder.

I have no doubt that Randy Moss is fully aware he's acting like a jackass. But if that's what he wants to be, I'm okay with that.

Go ahead and fine him-- fine him big if that's what the rules call for. But don't act shocked and appalled over this, as if after the touchdown he took out a picture of the Pope and dropped a steamer on it.

C'mon, only Mike Martz is that crazy.

The funny thing is, the fans in the end zone at Lambeau probably thought it was funny. Or would have been if the Packers hadn't been sucking so badly.
There's more to the mooning story. Apparently it is a tradition for Packers fans to moon the visiting team's bus when they leave.
I knew there was a reason why I might be susceptible to closet Packer fandom. Being a Bears fan from the days of Rivey Sorey and Bob Avellini, I am inoculated. But for how long? I can barely resist Brett's new hairdo.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?