Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Reason #483 That Dave Is Single.

Reason #481: I snore. Loudly.

Reason #482: I enjoy using the word "vagina" in daily conversation.

Reason #483: The Xbox.

From an article in the wonderfully-titled Creative Loafing Magazine:

On Nov. 9, to the delight of men across America, the sequel to Halo, the popular Xbox video game, wherein players battle in lush violence to save the universe from an evil alien race called the Covenant arrived in stores. And for those men's wives and girlfriends, it was a day of infamy. "When I got home that day, I called him," said Jen Deppe, a 23-year-old freelance graphic designer who lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, referring to her 28-year-old boyfriend, who works in private equity. "And from the time he bought it to the time I called him - five hours - he'd been playing it the entire time."
What else were you supposed to do? Cuddle? Cuddling no kill Covenant, woman.
"Whatever happened to basketball?" said Alison Griffin, 27, an assistant editor at Teen Vogue. "I'm convinced Xbox will be the downfall of modern society. I think it sucks out the will to live a normal life."
Actually Alison, scientists believe that a combination of greenhouse gases and increased energy consumption will result in an increase in average temperatures, a shorter growing season, and poverty in the developing world, ultimately leading to the downfall of modern society.

Which would mean, that for the forseeable future, Xbox Live will not include Africa.
Ms. Griffin lives with her 29-year-old boyfriend, Brandon Koehl, who works in the human-resources department at CBS and plays the online version of Halo with his friend Chris Campana, 33, a marketing-services manager at Linkshare. This involves both men wearing a headset and mike, and can mean screaming at friends in Ohio or teenagers across the country.
Before Xbox came along, Brandon reserved his screaming for Alison, from across the room.

All I need now is a controller, 17 uninterrupted hours, and a Big Gulp cup to hold my urine.

"It's so dorky," said Ms. Griffin, "the most ridiculous form of male bonding I've ever witnessed. They just all sit in their own homes in front of the TV with these headsets on, like they're operators. They turn the volume up, so you can hear them talking to each other. They have teams, and they find other teams to play - kids who play all day, 14-year-olds. They trash-talk with them. I'm like, 'Can we do something? Like walk the dog?'"
Hey pretty girl, you got legs? Go walk the dog yourself. Brandon has to coordinate a Team Deathmatch with a high school mathlete in Sioux City.
"It's killing and shooting - that's all it is," scoffed his fiancée, Kathy Palmer, 33, who manages a watch company, and shares Mr. Chattoraj's one-bedroom apartment. "It's like you're 'saving the world' - but you're always blowing things up."
I don't know what kind of sheltered life Ms Palmer's led, but if these past few years have taught us anything, it's that heavy explosives make the world go round. Don't think of it as a game; think of it as political science, with a vibrating controller.
Mr. Clute's girlfriend lives in California, and he said he would never ditch her for Halo. On the other hand, "maybe she'd just play the video games with me," he said. "But then she'd want to have sex or something, and that would get in the way."
My thoughts exactly. God gave hands to men for a reason.

To play video games, of course.

I remember a paper in my XBox package that read "Congratulations. You now own the most exciting product on the planet."

My friends and I have been using that line, especially around girlfriends/wifes..."Hey, Jill, you should feel fortunate that your household now contains THE MOST EXCITING PRODUCT ON THE PLANET."

They never, ever find that funny. We think it is a riot.
I bet you could find out info about THE MOST EXCITING PRODUCT ON THE PLANET by searching on INTERNET.
Ok, not to brag or anything (well, maybe a little), my wife BOUGHT me my X-Box for my birthday last year. And, when I jump on to play it she hops on the computer to play her own games or when I want some computer time, she hits the X-Box. God I love that woman!
Dave, forget the Big Gulp cup. Go for the foley catheter. Sure, it hurts, but only for a second...
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