Friday, January 14, 2005

 

Top Nine Pick-Up Lines Women Can Use On Men.

MSN Dating & Personals has a guffaw-inducing list of lines-- methods, really-- for picking up men.

I guess they all would work, but here's a word of advice to all you lovely ladies out there: you don't need a line unless you think you need a line.

If you think you need a line, let's be honest, you're simply undateable, because the only women who need a line to pick up a guy are actually maggot-infested corpses at that point. And if George Romero has taught us anything, it's that if you kill the brain, you kill the ghoul.

And if he's taught us anything else, it's that the rotting undead don't belong in singles bars, they belong in mausoleums.

My wholly obvious point? ANY woman can strike up a conversation with a guy. It usually involves saying words like "Hello," and "Hi," and "Would you like to do a Slippery Nipple out of my belly button?" In my humble experience, all three work just fine.

Now, the all important caveat here is that, while the line used is unimportant, approaching a man in a bar is heavily dependent on the following situations:

-- Is the man alone? If yes, step right up and use your line. Make out.
-- Is the man drunk? If yes, step right up, no line necessary. Freak dance. Make out.

-- Is the man with female friends? Approach the females. Ask them what he's like. If none of the women are his girlfriend, they will introduce you. If one is, beware of scratching that may lead to infection.
-- Is the man drunk with female friends? Congratulations, you've met Nelly, 2002's Billboard Artist Of The Year.
-- Is the man with male friends? You better be hot. Otherwise, wait until the man is alone, or alone & drunk.
-- Are the man and his male friends drunk? Wave off. They could be nice guys; they could also be looking to reenact The Accused atop the Golden Tee. Bolter, and scan for undefended targets.
It's an axiom wrapped up in a rule smothered in a cliche: men need to work exponentially harder to pick up women than vice versa. Biology, culture, the infield fly rule-- many factors conspire to prevent the pickup. A woman *always* has the right of first refusal, and can exercise it at any minute. A man only needs to be promised a guilt-free hookup, and it's off to the Charlestown races.

Of course, no woman will profess to looking for a guilt-free hookup. That doesn't mean they don't want one-- they simply won't publicize it. To do so would be tossing ragged chum in the water, and soon enough, she'd need a bigger boat.

But, even if she's seriously "only looking for a friend," her problem is not introducing herself to the man, but managing expectations once she's met the man. How does she string along the guy long enough to hook him before he, uh, hooks her? Guys, of course, have the opposite problem-- introductions are difficult, but once the introduction is made the guy's nadir-brain takes the conn.

Anyways, that's my 18 cents of advice, and it's your's for free.


Comments:
I always thought that the "scratching that may lead to infection" came several days later?

Hans
 
Unless of course you're really, really hot, and the guy looks like a total doofus, in which case he might suspect she is Mystique from the X-Men movie, and she only acts interested so she can inject him full of iron to get Magneto out of a plastic prison.

In the future, Mystique should really think about turning things down a notch before seducing hapless guards, because by now they're all on to that particular trick.
 
I dunno. Lousy way to go, but you get to make it with a doppleganger.

Just think of the possibilites.
 
But remember that Mystique did not in fact make out with that man. She led him into the bathroom, drugged him, and shot him full of iron. No nookie for him.

Lousy dopplegangers. Not that I'm bitter because of personal experience, or anything, I'm just sayin'.
 
Yeah, but if you're not nice to her, she might turn into Bryan Cox at "critical mass" and therefore destroy your libido for a while.
 
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