Monday, February 14, 2005

 

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

If you are currently happily married, I congratulate you on your successful marriage, and I hope that today is filled with love, romance, and happiness.

If you are not married, and you are instead dating someone on this Valentine's Day, I wish you one thing:

Ass cancer.

Yes, you heard me right: ass cancer. Festering, lumpy, hot-to-the-touch, tumor-ridden ass cancer.

If you're a man who's taking his sweetheart out for dinner this evening, I want you to get food poisoning and vomit up your gall bladder.

If you're a woman looking forward to flowers, I hope your ovaries calcify.

If you're a man shopping for the perfect piece of jewelry, may your credit rating be ruined by Nigerian identity theives.

If you're a woman salivating at the thought of Valentine's chocolates, you should know that chocolate is made out of puppies, you disgusting puppy-eater.

If you're a man splashing on a touch of cologne, I hope it splashes in your eyes, sulfurizing your corneas into a dripping mess of goo.

If you're a woman laying out here delicate underthings for an after-dark adventure, I hope you get an oily case of the Clap.

If you're a man dressing up for a night out on the town, I hope your testicles get shredded in your zipper.

But again, if you're married today: congratulations, you've found true love.

If you're a pair of dating lovebirds, however, I wish you an unending nightmare of bloody rectal ulcerations from seat worms.

Nothing personal.

Happy Valentine's Day!

--
Comments:
Dave, you seem kind of bitter. Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be, sometimes I only get sex a couple times a week and one time last month, she didn't make my dinner BEFORE I got home from work. She did do me though, so it turned out okay.

But seriously, as a late 30's guy that chased a lot of skirts in his youth my unrequested advice is to find a girl based on her personality first and looks second. That doesn't mean hooking up with a troll, but we guys put way too much emphasis on physical attraction when looking for a mate. Reasonably attractive is great if she's compatable in other areas like personality and politics and moral values. Mrs. Brownshirt was fairly pretty when I met her and she's actually prettier now 17 years later, but her good character is what made me want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's an excellent mom and a better wife. Way better than I deserve.

Oh yeah, last thing is the advice I drill into my sons. Always look at their moms before you commit, because that's usually what you end up with in 20 years. Look for a good wife, not just a good lay.

Mike the Dad
 
Thank you for telling them, Dave...they all suck and have earned a colonoscopy(sp)....
 
I guess you're not dating anyone then...
 
Mike--

I'm really not that bitter-- it's *mostly* sarcasm. However, I always appreciate the advice!

Zelda--

Ya think?

;-)
 
Dave - as a very happily married man, I thank you. With wishes like those, I picked a good year to not be single anymore!
 
Not just a dose, but an oily dose? Man, that's serious.
 
Rarely have I felt so blessed to be married. Holy crap, man. That was brutal.
 
Wow, as a single woman in her mid-30's I'm glad I have no use for Valentine's Day this year (sour grapes, mind you). Slow your roll, cowboy. I imagine you won't be picking up any potential dates from this special Valentine's treat of yours, although I highly doubt that was your intent.
 
Guess i won't be getting Ass Cancer this year..

Unless ofcourse I can talk Civetta(slow your roll)68 into some dinner before midnight.

HANS
 
Man, this is the most action I've seen on your site since I started reading.

Oops...didn't mean to say action...
 
whoa dude, relax. YOu need to get some action and soon.
 
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Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a cancer cure site. It pretty much covers cancer cure related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

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Come and check it out if you get time :-)
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