Sunday, February 06, 2005

 

Man, I Wish I Was A Meth Addict.

Man, the Red Staters always have all the fun.

MARYVILLE, Mo. - The growing use of highly addictive methamphetamine throughout the country is creating a prominent scar on an increasing number of users -- rotting, brittle teeth that seem to crumble from their mouths.

Methamphetamine can be made with a horrid mix of substances, including over-the-counter cold medicine, fertilizer, battery acid and hydrogen peroxide. Together, the chemicals reduce a user's saliva, which neutralizes acids and physically clears food from the teeth, said Dr. Eric Curtis, an Arizona-based spokesman for the Academy of General Dentistry.

"When the saliva isn't flowing, the bacteria build up a lot faster," said Dr. Darrell Morton, an Atlanta dentist.

Jeffery Lotshaw flossed regularly. He brushed faithfully, sometimes four or five times in a day.

All that care makes his condition seem incomprehensible -- at the age of just 33, Lotshaw's grin is toothless. His teeth all broke apart, tarnished with yellow and black.

Huge hat tip to the Unabrewer for setting me on my path to lifelong addiction.

My raging black tar heroin habbit-- and all the tricks I turn to keep me juiced-- have kept me warm for many years. But all that preparation-- the needles, the spoons, the rubber tourniquets-- that wears one down over time.

And hiding my dance with the monster from my employer is a constant challenge. For some reason, the Government frowns upon shooting up at your desk. Hypocrites.

I thought about switching to something a little less involved, like shrooms or LSD, but the hallucinations scared the leprechauns. And take my advice, one does not want to face a frightened Esperanto-speaking leprechaun while watching the walls bleed caramel corn.

But this crystal meth stuff intrigues me. Imagine never having to brush your teeth again! It gets you high, and it takes care of your dental bills. A wonder drug, indeed.

This guy here says meth may be bad for your veins. Pshaw; my veins are quite robust, their walls are reinforced with cheeseburger plaque the consistency of Sakrete. Bring it on, Mr. Meth.

Huh? What's this? Instructions on how to properly smoke meth?

How To Properly Smoke Crank, Meth, Crisso, Wire

So you have that little white, possibly yellowish, off-white, powdered, granular-like substance that may seem like it will forever keep you rolling. Especially if you dont frequently use the shit. The lesser the tolerance, the bigger the high.
I don't buy it. My tolerance for Chris Matthews couldn't be lesser, how come I never feel high from watching Hardball?

Now, if only I could use a sock filled with Ron Reagan's shrunken sissy-nads to beat the bile out of Matthews. And then stuff Matthews' pulpy misshapen head into Susan Estrich's vaginal lagoon, keeping him there until he admits he loves John McCain like Jennifer Jason Leigh loved Bridget Fonda in Single White Female.

Folks, that's what I call a "natural high."

The effects could usually be described as a Major Stimulant, Increased Heart rate. For some, An increased level of awareness, and mental process. Others may experiance hightened physical statue.
I hear that OTHER others may experience poor spelling. Then again, who knows? These could be the actual effects of meth-- one hit, you're literally stoned into stone as quickly as you can say "happiness is nibbling the cold, clammy teats of a Gorgon."

The instructions on how to build a meth pipe from a light bulb are just too confusing. I can't follow these; hell, I couldn't even install the barometer in my humidor right. And cigars outprice crank by a huge margin

If I built a meth pipe by these rules, you can bet that all the other meth users at the neighborhood crank house would laugh at my sorry-ass meth pipe. And if anyone laughs at me, I start to get upset and cry, like that time I set the school auditorium aflame with my telekinetic powers of maidenhood.

Dang it, I guess meth just isn't for me.

Sigh. . . I want a new drug.


Have you tried rock & roll, Dave?

No; no, I haven't. . . Wow, thank you, Huey Lewis!


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