Saturday, February 26, 2005


The Mind Works In Mysterious Ways.

Before I get to the point, I'd like to showcase how my Googlefied (Googlefried?) brain works.

As longtime readers of Garfield Ridge are aware by now, my sense of humor skews. . . random.

I appreciate the non-sequitur as the highest form of humor, higher than farting in public, higher even than "what's grosser than gross?" jokes.

I don't know how my penchant for this style of humor developed, but it probably had a lot to do with my mother drinking while pregnant. Okay, I can't prove she did such a thing, but it sure would explain a great many things.

That, and I was always a big fan of Robin Williams - Live at the Met. That one concert alone taught me more about funny than *five* seasons of Webster.

Alas, emulating stand-up Robin Williams (as opposed to "fam-friendly fucktard sellout Robin Williams) is especially challenging because, out of the three quantities of cocaine one can ingest-- grams, kilos, and "Bolivia"-- Robin Williams did 90% of the coke in 1980s America, leaving very little for the rest of us. Thus, all my life since than has been spent trying to replicate "cocaine funny" without actually ingesting any cocaine. Or Snapple.

Anyways, at this stage in my journey to the grave, I don't know which is more important to my sense of humor: my otherwise useless grasp of minutiae, or a mastery of internet search engines. All I know is that the two factors are now symbiotically linked, like peanut butter & chocolate, Captain & Tennille, and a free hand & my love life.

For example: this afternoon at work, I was talking on the phone to my friend Lori, who works for a different DoD organization. In the idle chit-chat that makes up my day, she discussed a riveting episode of Animal Cops on Animal Planet.

What, you think I sit around and talk about throw weights and strike packages? Dude, it was a Friday.

Lori mentioned that this particular episode involved a trailer full of animals kept in unclean cages. You name it, they had every kind of animal imaginable: cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, snakes, and even a monkey.

Smart ass that I am, I replied, "So, what you're saying is. . . it was like every other episode of Animal Cops ever made?"

Now, I'm no connoisseur of the show. In fact, all told I've watched probably less than an hour's worth of the show in my life, and not in a row. It's easy to confuse the show with every other reality/documentary on TV. I swear, I was flipping the channels the other day and I saw an episode of Pimp My Dog, followed by Best Week Ever - Road Rules Edition. They all kinda run together after a while, like drinking O.J. after using Listerine.

That said, it doesn't take a Colombo to deduce the general plotline of Animal Cops, which, coincidentally enough, is pretty much the exact same plotline as the regular Cops. Basically, it's just an opportunity for a vet ride-along as they visit America's favorite white-trash pet owners and pit bull doom kennels. The only thing missing from the show is the obligatory scene of a toothless Shar-Pei whore strung out on meth.

Is this going somewhere? It's about time for my page fault.

Yes Bozoputer, this is going somewhere.

The thought that entered my mind: wouldn't it be great if Animal Cops was actually about. . . animal cops? Like, cops. . . who are animals?

It'd be like Manimal, only without the intervening human form.

Immediately, I had visions of Lancelot Link with a badge. A remake of S.W.A.T. with an all-dog cast. Something edgy, something frisky.

So, I go to Google images, and enter in the obvious search words: monkey police.

The first picture that came up? This gem:

And that's how I made Lori snort her drink out of her nose.


This is what I love so much about you Dave. I'm certain that you are the first and only man to EVER type in the words "monkey police" in an image search engine.

Also, the way this story unfolded, I'm guessing is not unlike the way a "free hand" and your "love life" unfolds..

Stroke stroke, kneed kneed, and BAM! PAYOFF! One of the best monkey pics of all time..


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