Saturday, February 05, 2005


My Superbowl Predictions.

I was going to trot out a whole list of predictions, but then I realized two things:

1. I don't really care about either of the teams playing.

2. The vibration of my fingers tap-tap-tapping against the keyboard reverberates behind my right eye like Hacksaw Jim Duggan smacking my skull with a two-by-four.

So, I'll be brief in my comments.

I like, but do not love, the Patriots. In their first Superbowl win, I cheered them on because I supported my pal Ranger, who is a lifelong New Englander, and a diehard fan of Boston sports teams.

Plus, as a Chicagoan, I always felt a twinge of guilt over 46-10.

But c'mon, the Pats have now been to the Superbowl *five* times in the past twenty years. There has GOT to be a quota.

Unfortunately, whatever urge I may have to become a Janeane Garofalo (a.k.a. an Anti-Patriot) is quickly dissipated by my intense hatred of the Philadelphia Eagles.

In fact, I hate everything about Philly, except the cheesesteaks. And Rocky Balboa. And the occasional "friend" I have from the City of Brotherly Love. If I could transplant those and raze the city to the ground, I'd sleep like a baby.

So, while I always root for a good game when I have no personal investment in either team, in this Superbowl, I hate the Eagles enough to want the Pats to humiliate them.

As for the technical reasons why I think the Pats will own the Eagles, look no further than this brilliant analogy from the man I want deader than disco, Bill Simmons:
Just looking at those numbers, wouldn't you conclude that the Patriots are significantly more battle-prepared for this game than the Eagles? And before you make the "It's not Philly's fault that they played in the NFC" argument, that's not the point. They DID play in the NFC. That's why the Courtney Thorne-Smith Corollary applies here. She played Alison on "Melrose Place," and once upon a time, she could actually act. When Billy was torn between Alison and Amanda in the first season, her emotional speech about how hard it is to find a connection in life had to be, hands down, the best acting moment in the history of Fox. Although that's not saying much.

Anyway, during those first two seasons, she spent most of her time in scenes with Billy -- first her roommate, then her boyfriend, then her fiancee (until the wedding was called off because she remembered that her Dad used to molest her). Unfortunately for Courtney Thorne-Smith, Billy was played by Andrew Shue, one of the worst actors in the history of modern television, as well as a Hall of Famer on my Unintentional Comedy Scale. And she was in too many scenes with him, and her acting started to slip, and that was that. Now she rolls her eyes at Jim Belushi every Tuesday night. No actress, no matter how good, could survive that many scenes with Shue without being adversely affected. You can't bounce back.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If the Eagles were Courtney Thorne-Smith, then the NFC was Andrew Shue, and the first 20 weeks of the NFL season was like the first two seasons of "Melrose Place." In other words, the damage was done. And there's no going back.
BTW, anyone here know Melrose Place pretty well? I seem to remember Heather Locklear not showing up until the second season. IMDB says the show began in 1992, and Locklear arrived in 1993, but that could've been at the end of the first season. However, I don't recall her there in the first season, back when Melrose Place tried to be Beverly Hills 90210 without parents, before it became Dynasty without jewelry.

Total aside, true story: when my brother lived in Santa Monica, a friend of his wanted to set him up on a date with Ms. Thorne-Smith. For some still-insufficiently-explained-reason, my brother didn't do it.

Thus, my sister-in-law-fantasy-to-end-all-fantasies was ruined before it ever had a chance to flourish, and occupy space in my head right next to my "Chicago White Sox sweep Cubs for World Series win" fantasy, my "Mr. President, we're ready to launch the missiles at France on your command" fantasy, and my "Chillin' in The Grotto with Jimmy Caan, Scott Baio, and the 12 playmates of 2004" fantasy.

Excuse me, I now feel like downing a bottle of Pine-Sol.

Oh, yeah-- final score: Patriots 37, Eagles 20.

At least your head isn't in the grip of Baron Von Raschke. Man, if he had you in The Claw, you'd be dead meat. Count your blessings, dude.

BTW, Sox suck.
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