Saturday, February 12, 2005


Other Things Tom Sizemore Has Faked.

Detroit, 1977: His age, to buy as much Schlitz as he and his buddies Chip and Axle could drink.

Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 1985: His doctoral thesis, The Behavior of Noble Gas Molecules At Near Absolute Zero Temperatures.

Paramount Studio Lot, 1996: Talent, in The Relic.

Viper Club, 1997: Sincerity, in order to get into a Playboy Playmate's pants.

Whisky A Go-Go, 1998: Interest, in order to get into a Hustler Honey's pants.

Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles, 1999: Listening, in order to get into a waitress's pants.

Sharkee's, Hermosa Beach, 2000: Blindness, in order to find his pants.

The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, 2001: CardioPulmonary Resuscitation, on a coked-out hooker.

Binion's Horsehoe Hotel & Casino, 2002: A prosthetic vagina. Hey, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Los Angeles, 2003: His phone number, so he could call Heidi every hour, on the hour with his best Frank Rizzo impersonation.

The Betty Ford Clinic, 2004: Rehabilitation.

Thanks for the Jerky Boys ref. My college roommates and I could quote the whole CD's from memory. Good times.

My freshman year in college, before the CD's came out, we had a bootleg going around. I'm pretty sure I spotted my pants.

"I can take a whole rose, stem and all. . . "

Yup, good times.

I'm still like 12 years old, aren't I?
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