Sunday, February 20, 2005


Reason #1 Why Dave Does Not Own A Cel Phone.

I feel really unclean posting about this. . . but I'll live.

Drudge Report has the story up about someone hacking the T-Mobile Sidekick phone network and getting, among other things, Paris Hilton's phone book/text messages/photo library.

I saw it this morning and thought "Huh; okay, big whoop." I obviously didn't think through the comic potential of the find.

My brother called me about thirty minutes ago to go, "Hey, you want Lindsay Lohan's phone number?"

Hmmm. . . the Devil's temptation. . .

Anyways, my brother sent me some of the mirrored links of Hilton's info. Apparently, it's everywhere by now.

The rumor on some boards is that only Hilton's info was compromised (i.e., the greater T-Mobile library is still safe), but who knows at this point? My brother was spooked enough to start cleaning out his Sideckick, although he's resigned to the fact that his stuff is probably out in the ether too. Not that anyone would find his numbers and info all that interesting.

Anyways, back to Paris Hilton. I'm not going to spread the link-- you can find it yourself out there, trust me-- but just to relate to you some of the great finds on her phone:

Phone numbers:
-- Lindsay Lohan
-- Vin Diesel
-- Nikki Hilton
-- Nicole Ritchie
-- Ashlee Simpson (although my brother and I are certain that if you call it, it's not her voice ;-)
-- Russell Simmons
-- Anna Kournikova
-- Andy Roddick
-- Amber Valetta
-- Luke Wilson
-- Peta Wilson
-- Frankie Muniz (a wonderful gift to Son of Nixon, I'm sure)
-- Fred Durst
-- Avril Lavigne

. . . and many others.

As for pictures, her photo album has the usual stupid looking pictures of stupid looking people smiling into their camera. Plus pictures of her and her scrawny dog.

Oh, it also has naked pictures.

Who takes naked pictures on their cel phone? Honestly?

Since this is a family-friendly blog, I won't post any naked pictures. However, my brother made me promise to put up this edited piece of cheesecake up:

I feel dirty.


Again, who does this on their phone? My guess? Not too many people after today.

As for Hilton's text messages, the ones I saw were barely decipherable-- I'm not sure if it was a format thing, or if her messages are all written in some sort of Imperial code-- but the messages I could understand convinced me that it was dangerous just *reading* them.

Knowledge of such vapidity and banality is not meant for us mortals. Perusing Hilton's Sidekick is like reading the Necronomicon; simultaneously seductive and horrifying, the more you read, the closer you are to madness.

Here are a few of the, uh, "highlights":

And what conversation might that be bitch?
What do you think kristen
Did she learn her lesson?
Welsome back to gamma?
I think gamsy wants a little kiss
Its a gamma tradition
Gamsy is waiting

I don't even know what this means. "Gamsy is waiting"? Waiting for what? For Blue Horseshoe to love Anacott steel?

Peter lopez will black eye pees rob b
Nicky hilton private plane to vegas
Ken baker at us in town party at sagamore on friday
My guess is she's not talking about *the* Kenny Baker. Damn; midgets get no respect.

sargeDo that's hot tank tops like chrome hearts iold english writinh that's hot with crosses and tiatas
Carsondaily said to document everything guy said next truth or dare have cams at all times making if the club get carson number new years special for nbc or abc
It's nice to know that not only can Paris not type, but she can't even spell her friend Carson's name, either.

Call gary shandlin get tape of everything
Sweetheart, we didn't need to call Gary Shandling to see a tape of your everything.

naomi Do you wanna leave soon, ill pretend I hsve 2 go pee and u wait 3 mins than come by yourself to the back entrance
Safety tip: If you're ever with Paris Hilton and she says she has to urinate, it's a trick-- get an axe.

Denise rich daughter wedding
I wonder whether Bill Clinton was on the guest list?

Call herve leger and lingerie store
Check from rick
Call maroon 5
Get birth control kill pill
It's nice to know Paris has priorities. I know that if it were up to me, I'd always call Maroon 5 before I took care of my family planning needs.

Tell ken about jess trying to bone JT
Gotta keep up on the gossip.
The only reason I didn't go to vegas was becasue I wanted to see you. How am I disrepectful
Do I get a vote? I vote that you're entire life is disrespectful, of the decency of humanity.

I feel real slimy now, like I need a Silkwood shower.

Please pardon me while I get my wire brush.

"Waiting for what? For Blue Horseshoe to love Anacott steel?"

Coffee spew alert, please!

So, I still don't understand why you don't want a cell phone. Are you taking naked pictures, having innane text conversations, or do you have Rumsfeld on speed dial?
It's a long story, but the bottom line is that my anti-cel phone crusade rests mostly in my hatred of OTHER people using cel phones.

I just really don't want to be "that guy," especially when I never really need one.

However, every now and again I'm tempted to get one, especially as the newer phones include more and more cool gadgets. The only real sticking point right now is that I can't get a camera phone, given where I work. Uncle Sam frowns on people having cameras around the secret stuff.

I guess I could get one just to leave in the car, but that just makes it an even bigger waste of money than it already is (for me at least).

Personally, I'm waiting for the broadband neural implant-- I'll skip the whole phone thing and go straight to thoughtmail.

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