Sunday, February 20, 2005


Service Oaths Of Enlistment.

Cleaning out some files today, I found this one from many years ago.

Except for the infamous Air Force "bike test," which has (finally) been replaced by push ups, it's as true today as it was then.


I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise and promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completing "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will not work (unless being watched and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.
Signature __________________________ Date _________________

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better-looking Marine. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.
Signature __________________________ Date _________________

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of mylife to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I'll be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat and toilet." I'll take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I'll show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.
Signature __________________________ Date _________________

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies... uhh...ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!

So help me Corps.
Thumb Print __________________________

What's the AF bike test? I served '88-'92 and I don't remember any bikes. Of course there's a lot of stuff I don't remember (like that year in Korea).
I don't know when it was instituted, but by the time I showed up in 1997, it had been there for a few years.

Basically, whenever they had to do your physical fitness test at Headquarters, they made the AF officers ride a stationary bike with a heart monitor attached. If after so many minutes of exertion your heart rate was under a certain level, voila, you passed your physical.

Needless to say, the bike test was an endless source amusement to Big Blue's sister services.

A little over a year ago, the Chief of Staff (John Jumper) finally canned the bike test, replacing it with a physical combining run, push-ups and sit-ups.

'Twas very funny to see many of my coworkers trying to get in shape for their significantly more strenuous physicals.

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