Wednesday, February 02, 2005

 

State Of The Union Preview.

Wednesday night is the State of the Union.


State of the Union Fever-- Catch It!

I could drone on and on about what initiatives to listen for, or how to tell by the volume and location of clapping which proposals stand a chance of passing. I could easily bore you, but I'd rather offer a way to make the speech fun for the whole family.

Instead of of giving you yet another lame-o drinking game-- that's sooo 2004-- allow me to present:

Strip State Of The Union, Garfield Ridge Style!

Now, it goes without saying that you should play this game with a partner, preferrably one you find attractive. However, if no partner is available, you could always dress your blow-up doll; I find that works well enough.

So, what are the rules? Simple. Every time one of the following happens, remove an article of clothing. Alternate players after each instance until one is naked. I suggest you dress warm, as under these rules you might not last past the twenty-minute mark.

---------------

1. If George W. Bush walks into the House chamber like usual, remove one piece of clothing. If he swaggers in like a pimp with Laura dressed as a hoe, remove two pieces of clothing. If he swaggers in like a pimp with Secretary of Energy Samuel Bodman in a gimp outfit, remove three pieces of clothing.

2. If Justice Scalia smiles, remove one piece of clothing. If Justice Thomas smiles, remove two pieces of clothing. If Chief Justice Rehnquist fogs a mirror, remove three pieces of clothing.

3. If the "continuity of government" cabinet member is male, remove one piece of clothing. If she is female, remove two pieces of clothing. If it's Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings, remove three pieces of clothing.

4. If the President alludes to gay marriage, remove one piece of clothing. If the President uses the words "gay marriage," remove a piece of clothing. If the President gets hit on by Barney Frank, remove three pieces of clothing.

5. If Dick Cheney's first clap during the speech is standing up, remove one piece of clothing. If his first clap is sitting down, remove two pieces of clothing. If his first clap is to his to his left arm in burning pain, remove three pieces of clothing.

6. If Democrats boo first, remove one piece of clothing. If Republicans boo first, remove two pieces of clothing. If Bernie Sanders boos, who the hell cares?

7. If John Kerry claps when the President mentions Iraq, remove one piece of clothing. If John Kerry does not clap when the President mentions Iraq, remove two pieces of clothing. If John Kerry first claps for the war, before he claps against it, remove three pieces of clothing.

8. If Barbara Boxer boos the President once, remove one piece of clothing. If Barbara Boxer boos the President twice, remove two pieces of clothing. If the President stops his speech and lunges at Boxer Jim Everett-style, remove three pieces of clothing.

9. If Hillary Clinton appears faint, remove one piece of clothing. If Hillary actually faints, remove two pieces of clothing. If Hillary's chest bursts open revealing one of these, remove three pieces of clothing.

10. If the President praises Donald Rumsfeld by name, remove one piece of clothing. If the President acknowledges mistakes were made in fighting the Iraq war, remove two pieces of clothing. If the President begins to acknowledge mistakes only to be cut down mid-sentence by Donald Rumsfeld's cybernetic heat vision, remove three pieces of clothing.


Secretary Rumsfeld at the 2004 address, seen here passing a stone.

11. If Secretary of State Rice enters to applause, remove one piece of clothing. If Secretary Rice enters to jeers, remove two pieces of clothing. If Secretary Rice enters to Senater Byrd lighting a cross on fire, remove three pieces of clothing.

12. If the first "special guest" mentioned is a first responder, remove one piece of clothing. If the special guest is a veteran of Iraq, remove two pieces of clothing. If the special guest is a bound-and-gagged Osama Bin Laden being tickled by the Bush daughters, remove three pieces of clothing.

13. If it looks like the President is taking notes during the speech, remove one piece of clothing. If it looks like the President is wearing an earpiece during the speech, remove one piece of clothing. If Karl Rove has to replace the President's Ceti Eel during the speech, remove three pieces of clothing.

14. If Nancy Pelosi leaves the floor after shaking hands with the President, remove one piece of clothing. If Nancy Pelosi leaves the floor without shaking hands with the President, remove two pieces of clothing. If Nancy Pelosi leaves the floor cackling on the back of a flying broom, remove three pieces of clothing.

15. If the President condemns terrorism, remove one piece of clothing. If the President condemns a member of the Axis of Evil, remove two pieces of clothing. If the President condemns Michael Moore to a horrible death via rectal insertion of ravenous African dung beetles, rejoice-- it's morning in America.

16. If Dennis Hastert adjusts his glasses during the speech, remove one piece of clothing. If Dennis Hastert adjusts his jacket during the speech, remove two pieces of clothing. If Dennis Hastert eats a plate of Applebee's ribs during the speech, remove three pieces of clothing.

17. If Ted Kennedy looks sleepy, remove one piece of clothing. If Ted Kennedy looks drunk, remove two pieces of clothing. If Ted Kennedy vomits into Dianne Feinstein's purse, remove three pieces of clothing.

18. If Lincoln Chaffee frowns during the speech, remove one piece of clothing. If Chuck Hagel frowns during the speech, remove two pieces of clothing. If Jim Jeffords frowns during the speech, sit back and enjoy it, baby!

19. If the Democratic response is offered by a left-leaning Democrat, remove one piece of clothing. If the response is offered by a far left-leaning Democrat, remove two pieces of clothing. If the response is offered by Howard Dean holding a talking puppet version of Noam Chomsky's enlarged prostate, remove three pieces of clothing.

20. If the President mentions Social Security reform in detail, remove one piece of clothing. If the President mentions tax reform in detail, remove two pieces of clothing. If the President mentions he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, remove two pieces of clothing.

Special Bonus Tiebreaker!
If the first time John McCain is shown he has his arms crossed, remove one piece of clothing. If McCain has his hands in his lap, remove two pieces of clothing. If McCain has his hands around the bobbing head of Chris Matthews, remove three pieces of clothing.

Hope you have fun kids!

---
This posting was made on my personal computer.


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